Dr. Useless

It was a normal day at Dr. Useless and Associates. The good, kind doctor was behind in his patient schedule. It's no surprise that you can always get an appointment with Dr. Useless. There is always a full waiting room of patients, patiently waiting for their allotted time to spend with Dr. Useless. For, you see, Dr. Useless is no ordinary doctor. He is really, really, very useless. He likes to talk about your favorite subject, chat about current events while he diagnoses his patients with useless nonsense meant to pacify and reassure his patients; providing them with information that insures that they will come back for more meaningless and sometimes damaging advice. That is why Dr. Useless is so loved by his patient patients. They need and crave his useless and ultimately damaging misinformation.

As he writes his scripts for some new-fangled poison or even old-fangled addictive poisons, for the hordes of addicts who come to Dr. Useless for their fix, Dr. Useless seems to really listen. He seems to really care. Sometimes, he even gives away some sample poisons courtesy of the drug-dealers who work for Pfizer, Beelzebub, and the other Demons of the Pharmaceutical Empire, reminding his patients to call 911 if they have a seizure or a rash. "But, don't worry, that won't happen. If you do, you can sue the drug company. [But not Dr. Useless.] Come back next week and we'll continue the treatment. Have a lollipop before you leave!"